I have a talent for being cutting. I wanted to be cutting much more when I was younger – I thought it was a sign of toughness and strength. I don’t really like myself now when I hurt someone through condescension or dismissal or outright questioning of their competency. I find that for the most part, I don’t want to be that and tend to overcome usually. But at my worst, I am mean. There are certain situations and personalities that bring out the worst in me. If I feel that my time is being deliberately wasted or that someone is not respecting what I have done/who I am. Or if you are meek or unknowingly dumb. And other times, I can’t put my finger on it.
There is a new team member at work that I can’t seem to find a rhythm with. She seems to be technically capable, friendly, inquires about my weekend, listens to what I say, follows up and closes issues and for some reason makes me absolutely grit my teeth in every interaction I have with her.
I was mean to her today. I left soon afterwards and spent my entire drive home trying to understand what it was. What is my problem? Why am I being mean?
June 26th, 2013 Extra-Ordinary: Not feeling too proud of myself today.