I am often of two minds. I’m 37, you’d think I sure be certain, secure, and consistent in my thinking. But I seem to waver frequently. If you ask many of my friends and colleagues, they would say I am opinionated, strong-willed, and passionate in my beliefs. Somehow, I have fooled you all! But I don’t waver on the mundane, it’s the major ones that cause me to question myself.
There is part of me that wishes to be urbane – stylishly chic, knowing the best hole-in-the-walls for a cheap meal, savvy transit rider, multiple options and hip. Another part of me wants to stay with my small town roots – cheap parking, casual and comfortable clothing, reasonable housing cost, lack of congestion and a strong sense of community. I want to be successful and make a huge salary for the work that I do; I want to work for a small company that has strong values. I want to live in Ontario; I want to live in BC. I want a sprawling waterfront home in Muskoka; I want a hip condo in Toronto in an up-coming and stylish neighbourhood. I want to be ripped and toned in every area of my body; I want to eat what I want when I want. I love a hamburger; I want to be a vegetarian. I want to be able to afford facials, Kate Spade wallets, pedicures, massages and fancy clothes; I want a job with reasonable hours, a short commute and that I love. I enjoy being a server; being a server is beneath my skills and education. Where I live is most important; having a satisfying career is most important.
This duality causes paralytic stagnation in my life. How do I move forward at the fork in the road – and worse yet, how do I move forward when I have more than a fork, endless roads that sound interesting? Finding a path that satisfies both of my wants has been near impossible as of late. This is the concept of Opportunity Cost I learned in Grade 9 Consumer Education Class. (We watched a Film Strip) I can’t have it all – I have to decide despite fear of regretting my choices.
My mind bounces back and forth, wanting both lives, wanting neither on rough days.
Tomorrow I head home after my 3 week sojourn in British Columbia visiting friends and family. I have had a wonderful time getting to see everyone and being able to fold into regular life a bit, not just visiting. But it also has been a bit of an escape – allowing me to forget the back and forth of my choices for a while. Putting off yet again on what I need to decide. But no excuses now. An interview in Toronto, a looming end of contract for Emile, and for once an overwhelming feeling that I must decide soon.
I spent tonight celebrating my Mom and Brother’s birthdays which are both later this month. It was just the three of us and we enjoyed our last meal together for now, opening gifts and laughing with (and at) each other. I know I want this, laughter and connection, no matter what life I choose.
March 12, 2012 Extra-Ordinary: A little clarity on the Eve of my return home.