I ate something today that should not exist. It is against the universe.
Do you remember in that movie . . what was it. . . well, never mind. I don’t think it got 2 thumbs up. It doesn’t matter. Anyways, Rosie O’Donnell – who is friends with Uma Therman (in the movie, I don’t really know about Uma and Rosie in real life, that also is not material to this post) – enters a convenience store. Uma has just left the store and the clerks are ogling her. Rosie goes on a rant about how it is against nature to have big breasts and a small frame. She rants on while shaking some playboy magazines or such and screaming “Big Boobs = Big Butt. That is the way it works!”
Anyways, the scene was something like that. I liked it. I took it to heart. I’ve used the concept it many times over the years to get over stuff. Smart = Not gorgeous. Cheap = Short Life. Glorious 1969 Barracuda = Gas Guzzler. Artist = Tortured. Fresh White Bread = Calories. It’s the way of the universe. Parents use it all the time to cheer up sad children. (“Little Johnny, I know that you are terrible at sports, but you are great at math. Everyone can’t be good at everything, honey. You’ll see – that’s why I put up with your father.”) It is a construct that we use to make sense of an unfair world.
Well, today I ate Tofu Shirataki Angel Hair Shaped Noodles. What is this? Well, it is noodles made with tofu and yam flour. It comes a sealed bag with the noodles floating in liquid (presumably water). We used it for our Annual Easter Pad Thai dish. Nothing says easter like Pad Thai. We have tried many iterations to reduce the calories of Pad Thai, the problem is that white rice noodles are high in calories and do not fit in Damn You Fit April. Low Carb pasta is pretty good but the calorie count is high still. The broccoli slaw worked okay, but kinda made Pad Thai into a vegetable stirfry.
This product contains no GMOs (genetically modified organics), no cholesterol, little to no fat, no preservatives, is gluten-free, is vegan, has only 1 net carb (for those of you who know what the means), 2 grams of fiber and 1 gram of protein. You can get in macaroni noodles and other shapes. It is reasonably priced – 226 for $2. And the kicker?? It has only 20 calories per serving. And the serving was normal sized: 113 g. You could eat 5 servings and only 100 calories (that is only 10 minutes of running people!).
Don’t you hate those types of products that tell you the serving size is something like 58% of the package? Really? Like I am going to buy a “single” serving Iced Tea bottle and only drink 3/8 of the bottle and then put it in the fridge for tomorrow. Nobody does that. And if you do, I don’t want to hear about it. I digress.
But back to this seemingly miracle food. What is the price? What is the trade-off? The universe must balance out.
Well, the package does have the ominous directions of “Boil for 2-3 minutes (or microwave for 1 min) to reduce the authentic aroma”. Huh? And this is true, it smelled like Shrimp Mr. Noodles. But, after draining, rinsing and microwaving for 1 minute, the smell had dissipated. Then noodles looked fragile, they will probably fall apart in the stir frying process. Nope, they stayed true to form. Surely, they will taste weird. Nope, tasted pretty much like noodles. Do little children work to their fingers bleed to make these? Are they cutting down the rain forest to plant soy beans? Do I want to know?
April 8th, 2012 Extra-Ordinary: The best Easter Pad Thai yet. Nervously waiting for the universe construct to right itself. And don’t even get me started on the PB2 powder sprinkled on top of the Pad Thai used in place of the peanuts.